Ugly Ducks, Sewing Machines, And the Impending "B" Word

God it's been ages.

I'm a busy kinda gal. Even when I'm not, feels like I am.

My diabetes is doing fairly well. A1C is down to 6.5 and that's fabulous, especially considering it was 8.2 when I was diagnosed. My sugars have been just a little higher lately, because of a medication change, but they are still within the acceptable ranges of normal.

Emily is in the fall musical at the local high school. They're performing "Honk", which is the story of the ugly duckling. It was written by the same team who wrote Marry Poppins and Peter Pan. It's absolutely adorable. Jessica is working on the costume committee. She certainly loves to sew. She's becoming quite good at it also.

Jessica just turned 14 on September 5 and I'm finding it has me a little panic stricken. This means she's graduating in about 4 1/2 years....which seemed a lot further away a year ago. I don't want her to grow up and leave. *sigh* I don't want either one of them to. I'm going to have the worst empty nest syndrome of any mother in history, and she's the one most likely to leave and move far away because of her dreams. Don't get me wrong that's WONDERFUL, but still...I can't help but be a little selfish. It hurts. Emily, on the other hand, will be here forever. lol Well, not HERE, here, but she's like me. She wants to be close to me and her Nana and the family. We have strong roots in the KC area, particularly in Belton. Jessica, though, will move from place to place her whole life cause she loves that and she's just got that kind of personality.

Me... I got a bday coming up on Thursday. The big 36...ok, so it's not a landmark, but now I can officially say I'm pushing 40. lol Unlike most people I look forward to 40. According to my mother that's the age for her she suddenly didn't give a damn what anyone else thought any more. I want to get to that place. I am frequently, but not usually. I think it's that secret that makes being middle aged so cool. Just being yourself and finally saying "to hell" with everyone else. I try to do that as much as possible, but I will admit that it does sometimes bother me if others don't like me. Still hurts my feelings sometimes. I want to grow past that crap. See, I still don't feel like I'm a grown up. I have two half grown kids, a husband, a dog, a cat, a car payment, and all those financial responsibilities that go along with being a grown-up, but I don't feel like one. I'm still such a kid, with the exception that I'm not fond of cartoons, but I never really was. I was the one who wanted to watch "Meet the Press" when I was 4 and my dad wanted to watch "Woody Woodpecker". lol I keep waiting for the feeling of the responsible, reliable grown-up to take over, but it never does. I dunno, maybe that's a good thing, but it also means I never feel like I'm in control of the situation of life. Ok, so maybe that's the secret. All those grown-ups I thought had it so together when I was a kid didn't have any control over anything and weren't quite as "together" as I thought they were. lol

I am enjoying my music, although our camcorder is broken and being fixed right now. Hopefully will have new videos to post in a few weeks. I have recently been appointed as the editor and coordinator of the Unity Village Chapel e-newsletter. I am also the team leader of the "Core Values" committee at UVC, which is responsible for creating and defining the core values of the church. These values govern everything that UVC, as a community, does. If it's not in line with the values, we simply don't do it. So, it's an important responsibility, and one I take very seriously. I'm learning a lot about myself and how I need to align myself with what I consider my own core values. I am a work in progress, just like everyone else.

So, that's me, right now at least. :) I'm ever-changing and I love that.

Love to anyone who reads this.

Nikki

Stupid-Ass YouTube.

I'm probably going to use a lot of profanity in this post, so fair warning. Most people who know me already know I cuss like a sailor and I learned from the best; Roy. lol

The dipshits over at YouTube decided that somehow videos taken by my husband of me singing at my church for NO PROFIT AT ALL was pirating in some way and they DELETED MIKE'S ACCOUNT! Assholes. *kicks youtube in the nuts* I do not have an external hard drive nor the memory space to keep backups of all my videos, so all those lovely videos of me singing at Unity are G O N E. I suppose I should let this be a lesson to me to ALWAYS back up my files and BUY a fucking external hard drive, but above all it's a lesson to NOT TRUST THE BRAINLESS BASTARDS AT YOUTUBE!

So....now I'm uploading some music that I hadn't uploaded yet to my AradiaRising youtube account, which I have on the video bar to the right. I am honestly not sure what I did wrong the last time, but here's hoping I don't do it again. ARGH!

A new poem...

This has been sitting in the notes of my ipod for a few days, while with each day and emotion I added a little here, a little there, sometimes changed a little here and there, depending on what I was feeling at the moment... It's hard to explain, and I don't think I'll ever be able to, as is shown in the end of the poem... Life is confusing at times and throws us into situations where we are confronted with what we want more than anything, but what we'll never, ever have...

*******************************************

JUST THIS ONCE?
by: Nikki

Love that you and I will never know...
I can only dream you,
stealthy shadow shift you
into my astral heaven,
blossoming you real to me,
though never to those prying eyes
that can not see,
only for me.
Romance me into the silky nirvana
of heartbeat stillness.
My surreal oneness embraced
in purest snow white abandon.
I shun a shattered real
so to be enveloped by velvet
billow astral thought forms
of a NEW truth..
in you.
My stolen soul Romeo.
My lost lust of silver luster.
My inebriated compatriot
of loves even and ever drunken silence.
Would you brace your deep, rose-petal lock of somber passion
against my sovereign, solely solidified,
unified embrace?
Would you dare to delve into the depths of
Divine ONE...
together?
Would you brush your smoldering torch light touch
to mine?
Steal me away,
oh lost and wandering spirit,
to hidden groves of sunbeam's dancing children
and raging love-lorn waters edge...
to hold MY power,
hands and souls entwined,
and mix it with your own,
radiating in and through me,
you,
me...
and back again,
in stilled siren sorrow song
of love
above which no mortal bond could ever hope to rise.
No words equal OUR equal.
No sonnet penned or lyric sung can ever touch this place...
No words...no words...
Oh fuck it! Kiss me...
Just this once?

Heading Out...

I am leaving town Thursday. We are all headed to New Jersey for 10 days. My mother and father-in-law are celebrating their 25th Anniversar and renewing their vows, with a big party to follow. I think it will be a great deal of fun, but I HATE being away from home for longer than a week at most, unless that time is spent on a cruise ship. lol I get HORRIBLY home sick. Why this is, I don't know. I also don't do well when I'm stuck in a living situation with anyone for an extended period of time. I do well for a few days, then my nerves start wearing thin as I DESPERATELY need my privacy. Ask my husband and kids; when I don't get enough alone time I am the bitch from HELL. I have a hard time reading people socially as it is, and I tend to see tension that either isn't there or nobody else has ever noticed, and then I'm snippy and hard to get along with. Emily doesn't help. When I have her away from home I'm on edge because she's on edge. Even the slightest change in her routine can set her off and then I'm up to my ears in freaked out Asperger's kid. It's enough to drive anyone to consider entering the witness protection program, because not only is she almost impossible to comfort and control, she humiliates the heck out of me. I absolutely adore her, but I so can't handle being around her a good majority of the time. Makes me feel bad because Jessica and I get along great, but with Emily it's just one battle after another and there's little about her personality I can find likable, so it can make being a loving, fun mom really, REALLY hard. It's only a matter of time before my nerves show. *sigh* I just wanna get this over with and get back home, away from society.

*sigh*

I feel lost today. I'm in a slump, and I know it. I really can't give a good reason for the lack of vitality and energy that I'm feeling right now. I feel.... blah. I do such a good job hiding that. I'm one hell of an actress, and I know it. I can leave people in stitches or in awe of one hell of a performance, but I can't seem to convince myself. Thing is...I'm tired of acting. I'm absolutely going insane wanting to be me right now, but my pride won't let me show any of it to anyone. My husband, bless him, has no clue, and I can't figure out how he can't know, unless he really doesn't know me, which I suppose is possible. I'm more myself at home than anywhere, but that just means I'm hiding from everyone a LOT. I spend a HUGE amount of time in my room, except when he comes to bed, at which time I leave as I can't deal with the snoring. Not like anything interesting is gonna happen there anyway. I gave up on that a while ago. Marriage kills a sex life faster than anything. lol So, I escape in my books and my writing and my music and the internet and movies and whatever I can to make some sort of fantasy life for myself. I want to not be me, but yet it's still me. There's a lot in there that needs to be expressed but there's just no outlet, so my grip on reality becomes more precarious every moment, as I spend more and more time in a self-induced daydream.

Again...pathetic, I know. Sorry world. At least I can say things here that I can't anywhere else. Only 2 or 3 people even know I have a blog here and I am gonna try and keep it that way. I need someplace to vent.

IPod happiness!

*sings*
I LOVE MY IPOD! I LOVE MY IIIIPOD! I LOOOOOOVE MY IPOD TOUCH! LALALALALALA!

Ok, that's the closest to crappy singing I'm willing to allow myself. hehe

So, as the world knows, because I keep telling them, I got an iPod Touch from my mom for Easter this year. I ADORE THIS PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY! So far I have almost 2,000 songs downloaded, a few podcasts (having to do with Harry Potter and Twilight), a couple of videos, and I have taken to using it for checking my e-mail, even when I'm in the same room as the PC. lol I love the Safari web browser.

My iPod love has led me to delve into the idea of other apple products and I've almost 100% decided to get a MAC at the beginning of next year instead of a new PC. Everyone I talk to who has made the switch fervently upholds the saying, "Once you go MAC you'll never go back". I'm game, that's for sure. It's hard as hell to get a virus on a mac and a mac with lower specs performs TONS faster and more efficiently than a PC with much higher specs. Why didn't I think of this sooner?

So...be prepared for the whirlwind that is Nikki, world of Apple. I am headed your way VERY, VERY soon!

Nikki

....obsession....

Yeah, so I started reading the "Twilight" series. I had watched the movie, which is ok, but not great, but still interesting enough to have peaked my curiosity as to why these books are so popular. I thought it was just a teeny-bopper thing. So...I borrowed Jessica's books and delved into them with a light interest. That light interest immediately turned into an absolutely desperate need to KEEP READING! I read all 4 books in 5 days, little sleep and less food. Exhausting, but exhilerating. I am completely hooked now. *sigh* I have come to a conclusion.

Edward Cullen is the perfect man. That's it. Noone else will ever be good enough. I have to keep reading and daydreaming or life will NEVER be right again. I HATE it when I develop these unhealthy obsessions with fictional charectors. WHY?!?!? ARGH!!!!!

I gotta say... I knew the romance was dead in my life and had been for years, but my easily acceptance of mental escapism involving non-existent charectors just shows me that my relationship is in worse shape than I thought it was... Don't know what to do about that. It's been that way for years now.... Love still there, but just existing. Day to day, hour to hour, just...really lonely while not being alone. It's a weird feeling. At least there's someone there. I should be counting my blessings, but now a series of books has reminded me that I'm a lady, and I like to be treated like one.

*sigh*

Notice new video in the video bar on the right of the page. Good song. I am REALLY TICKED at Mike. This is possibly the WORST of all the videos he's taken. Is it too much to ask to just hold the darned camera still and not mess with the brightness? He has NOOOOOO talent when it comes to recording anything, not even basic "I don't know what I'm really doing so I should just leave the settings on auto" common sense. He thinks, like most men, that he can "fix it" and he can't fix ANYTHING! Is it too much to ask to just be able to see people's faces? ARGH! I really looked forward to watching this, but he sucks at it. lol

So, I got a new toy this weekend. My mom bought me an iPod Touch this weekend. I LOVE IT! It's taken me a while to figure out the iTunes thing, but I think I have it now and I just LOVE this thing. First iPod in history where I can see what I am doing and that's nice. Have a bunch of music on it, but no movies or pics yet. Can't wait to get started on that one. Maybe after I am done being pissed about Mike's poor cameramanship. (New word alert.)

I hope everyone had a great Easter. Mine was great. I miss my girls though, who are both out of town. Jessica was in Washington D.C. for 6 days ant then New Jersey for a few and comes home tomorrow. Emily went to Nebraska with her dad to visit her other step-grandparents. They will both be home tomorrow and I can't wait. It's been WAY too quiet here without them.

Had lunch today with my mother and grandparents and Mike. My Papa got hearing aids for the first time, and it was surprising to not have to repeat anything to him in a loud and slow manner. lol

Have a great week, whoever wanders by to read this.

Peace, Love, and Light,

Nikki

I found another one.

This one isn't very good at all, but it helped me do some venting during a really bad time in my life.

**************

Not In Here
by: Nikki

I'm not me right now, don't know who I am

could be that I'm feeling like life is a sham.

I can't find a light on the brightest of days,

at this time my mind is a blurry old daze.

I fumble and mumble and stutter through life,

and even the littlest things cut like a knife.

I'm hurting and lonely and can't seem to find

my way in the crazy world, I feel left behind.

I seemed to be doing so well for so long,

now everything keeps going horribly wrong.

I don't have a clue, can't remember a thing.

I haven't even found the happiness to sing.

For me music has been my soul's love,

but now I find no notes or words from above.

Grief is corrupting my life-weary soul

and I suddenly feel I am useless and old.

I just want to breathe and be me once more,

Keep seeing the exits where there aren't any doors.

So why do I feel like noone understands?

I feel like there's noone holding my hand.

My grip is slipping, I reach into the air

to grasp hold of someone, but noone is there.

Everyone has their own pain in this time,

so alone I will stand to face the challenge of mine.

Just remember when I'm goofy, or completely insane,

that it's not really me, just a face with a name.

Someday I'll return to being just me,

with my "rolodex" brain and my heart light and free,

but until that day comes just give me some time.

Be patient with me and please try to be kind.

My hope for tomorrow is all that I've got,

but I'm still one of God's kids and he loves me a lot.

...and a few more...

Hopefully this is all of them. I might find more somewhere else. Feeling creative lately.

************************

Return to Mother
by: Aradia (Nikki)

Labored breath;
gasping,
grasping,
clinging to life’s thread
by fingernails...
the silver cord’s edges frayed
to just a ravel.

The dancing youth,
skirts twirling to the seemingly endless
caliope of ageless song,
has now faded, as the light,
into the twilight of days,
the thunder...now but a memory.

Ancient Eyes gaze on withered hands;
hands long since bled dry
of labor
of the toil of life,
but never short on love.

Memories of nightingale lullabyes;
lulling little heads to dreamy slumber,
the joy of hearing the word ‘mother’
uttered from the mouths of babes...

trickle down memories
of stories about pirates and princesses
echoed through the years
to prancing, dancing angel-buds
known as "grandchildren"..

flooding memories now,
with flowing tears of honor from those loved
and who loved;
The dam shattered
by death’s kindly hand.

A legacy is left, this night,
from a silent Goddess;
One whose smile
mended broken hearts,
whose kiss
could calm the angriest sea,
whose loving sacrifices
earned her the title ‘great’
with the cry of the newest cherub
born to this world.

Darkness unfolds itself,
it’s great arms of mystery
envelope one little white dove,
carressing her very soul...

"Well done, my child."

*************************

One Pagan's Plea
by: Nikki

Goddess-chill my soul,
be still and bring your breath
of wonderous icy-dying dew.
Blanket my aching bones
of time-hardened heartbreaks
in Persephone's amber embrace.
Leave me not to wither and fail
with this tormented burning heap of souls,
scattered in night's wind to a demon's cry of anguish.
Throw their books upon the fire,
for I care not for their empty, hollow ringings
in my tempest-tossed mind,
slashing with tendrils lashing...
silencing my spirit-voice.
I raise that voice in righteous anger,
crashing waves against their bitter wall
of self-sufficient hypocrasy,
burning bridges with flames of holy indignation.
Return, oh fire, to transform...
water, to shape...
air, to move...
and earth, to heal...
and recclaim thy rightful throne of all divine,
burning bright in your glory-Goddess-light,
for all to be in sacred silence of the night...
In awe...of she who is ALL.

***************

The Annual
by: Nikki

Today...is July 28.

Today is the day where I allow myself the hallowed indignity
of being a broken woman...and I cling to it.

I grant myself the healing burden of grief, above all on this day.

I treasure every tear drop.

I drink in every sorrow revisited.

I rest my head on nature's rock hard pillow....to be just one step closer to oblivian.

While the rest of the world spins on without me....I stop, just for this one day...stop, to remember you, my child.

Eleven years ago you elightened my miserably vacant soul with the loss of you. You brought me to my knees in glorious pain. You opened my eyes to the depths of life's darkness...and showed me just how precious a moment is in this vast expanse of a lifetime. You took away my hope, and replaced it with a much needed heartache...

that heartache bleeds anew on only this day... my annual day of death and rebirth...

Today is July 28.

******************

That seems to be it for now.

Hope they're safe here and they are read and appreciated.

Nikki

More old poems.

Better to break these up than to have a blog that's ten miles long. lol

***************

Desire's Aroma

Let me breathe deep
your wanton aire
filling my lungs
with the soft, supple, sweetness
of you;
stealing away in moments
of satin, pillowed caresses
in torn fabrics of purest passion.
Diamond dewy beads of sweat
glistening on moonlight glowing flesh,
quenching thirsts of lust inspired cravings
and long-lost romantic loves.
Inhale now my life's breath,
with lips devouring,
limbs entwined
bodies crashing in rhyming rythms,
surging with the Goddess tide of
loves eternal ebb and flow.
Gasp the scent of pleasure's petals,
ecstacy's perfumed delight,
enraptured aroma of desire's perfection...
the height of you and I.

*********************

A Soul Betrayed
by: Nikki

Had they even bothered
to unearth even the slightest
of my deepest fears...
they might have known...
somehow in their oh-so-closed 'open' minds...
that it was they who held the power...
and power corrupts...
And so it was that I was corrupted,
becoming the antithesis
of their Sunday-mornin'
hodge podge of lies and deceit;
of their 'brother, sister, how'd'ya do,
the Lord Almighty'll come for you
and toast you in a fiery fit of rage and retribution...
but ya be sure ta come back and visit with us again sometime'
spew of festering dogma garbage...
ready to take the wisdom words of "Love thy neighbor"
and paste it into their oh-so-convenient
spiritual suburb
of cookie-cutter religion, where "All have sinned
and come short of the glory..."
with the exception of the Pastor's wife,
who OFCOURSE had to be
cream-cheese and strawberries perfection,
lest the congregation frown upon her humanity.
...and oh how I wanted to believe...
and how I TOO was deceived...
As they cradled me in their lulling, strangling, vines
of the comfort of conformity,
I began to choke and spew forth my human nature
in guttering spurts of bible-brainwashed-bile...
crying my anguish of faith-abandoned.
And where was my comforter?
I found no comfort in those 'saints of God'...
as they subtly removed my name from their
cherry-blossom-choosy Christmas card list...

And so my fears of loss and leaving,
of God's betrayal and deceit,
of love in name alone, and not in substance,
were brought to the bitter, stabbing, blinding light of truth.
To think that all my soul longed for,
was to sing it's freedom-spirit song
and bless the souls of even one...
and now that voice is silenced.

And they fear me?

********************

...As You Slept...
by: AradiaRising (Nikki)
(For Mike)

Last night while you slept
and while I lay awake
I listened to every breath
you would take

and held each one carefully
near to my soul.
I put my arm around you
so that I could hold

you closer and closer
and feel you so near,
quietly whispering
love in your ear.

You didn't notice,
as your sleep was so deep,
that each little moment
I was trying to keep

locked tight in my heart box
safe and sound in the night
so that I'd never lose it
and could hold to it, tight.

I do this as each day
passes by us in time
for I know that 'forever'
is a state of mind.

I treasure each moment
of laughter and tears
and I carry them with me
to last through the years.

For one day, I fear
that you will be no more
and loneliness will come,
once again, to my door,

and I can't live without you...
that lesson I've learned.
Just a moment and I feel
like I've crashed and I've burned.

So, I keep all things sacred,
even our little spats,
for I know that with you
is where heaven is at...

and one day, when you're gone,
as I've seen in my mind,
with sacred memories I know
I won't be far behind.

Life is uncertain,
and doesn't last long,
but true love is eternal,
lasting, and strong.

So if one morning I wake
to find your heart still
my memories will keep me
holding on until

the day when our souls
are again one, at last
and there are no more worries
of future and past.

The light of your smile
is the light that I see
when I have my visions
of eternity.

So wait for me, darling,
should you cross before I
and be there to hold me
when my time comes to fly

to the Island of Apples
that shines far away,
and we'll take rest together,
forever to stay.

*******************

Still more to come. Wow...there's more of these than I remember. lol

Archiving old poems...

I had an angelfire page many a year ago with some of my poetry on it. I never go there any more, so I googled me and found it again. I figure it doesn't do any good to rely solely on that page to keep my poems, so I will post them here to keep them safe and warm.

Some are contemplative, some are a bit angry, some are heartsick, some are lovesick...just all a jumble of Nikki emotions, which are truly a jumble indeed.

Hoping this works.

Divine Revelations:
by: AradiaRising (aka. Nikki)

You say to look within your book
and seek my answers there.
You say if truth lies not with him
it isn't anywhere.
You say it is the "gift of life"
and only way for me
to save my poor and wretched soul
from Hell's eternity.
I wonder where it all began
and where humans went wrong
that they would seek truth from a book
and not in nature's song.
You tell me that this "truth" of yours
was handed down from God
directly to his messengers
and written down... How odd
to me that you would see
divine in written word
and yet ignore the sacred voice
that in nature is heard.
I tell you that I need no tome
to speak to me of "the way"
as God and Goddess can be seen
and heard around me every day.
The whispy curls of sunlight
breaking forward with the dawn,
the laughter of the flowers
blooming, scattered on my lawn;
The singing of the bluebird,
the laughter of a child,
the warm caress of moonlight
on a night so warm and mild;
The autumn leaves that dance
the coming of winter on the wind,
the peaceful sleep that comforts us
as our lives come to an end;
The deepest blue of twilight,
the whipser of a breeze,
The wonder of the workings
of the ants, crickets, and bees;
The sacred touch of a lover
in the moment when two are one,
the glory of an infant's cry
when a new life is begun.
In all these wonders of our world
and the beauty of creation
is it not more than evident
where to find "Divine Revelation"?

****************************

When Spirits Speak
by: AradiaRisising (Nikki)

No...
it's not with words they speak...
not that you can hear.
Their summer sun-beam message
is only clear
to those who listen
with heart,
with soul,
with inner quiet of night.
The flutter of butterfly Spirit songs
will not clang,
or crash,
or sing with the heavenly choir.
The words of those passed
dances with leaves on the wind...
never to end
with a dream
or a sigh...
or even a "goodbye"...
So why is it that you cry?
"You know I never left you....
I only had to change for a while....
I had to grow..."
they sing this upon the winter snow,
in the secret hide-outs
where only children may go.
They scamper their chorus
to and fro
with the fairies in the garden...
there..hiding in the morning dew...
Can you not hear their
"I love you"?
And still you tell me they are gone...
yet everywhere they TELL you...
"I live on...."

You come to me...
I DO see them and feel them...
as you with me...
yet this is not how they want it to be.
Every time they come to me
they are rainy-day heartbroken...
for you do not understand
and cannot open
yourself to them...
any more...
and so without YOU...
they are lonely too.
Open your souls
that you might know
their peace...
and they might show
with spring's rebirth
how we grow
and glow...
for eternity.

*********************

Victorious
by: Nikki

Shattered dreams,
shards of glass
thin as paper leaves
scattered on the winds of change.
My heart betrayed my soul again
stabbing it's ever-feeling,
flowing,
burning blade
through what was left
of one once enlightened,
then only frightened.

You left me here
to bear your tears,
facing my fears...
and losing the delicate grasp
on the jagged edge of my sanity.
Where were you,
when my heart bled rivers of pain;
when the caverns of loneliness
swallowed me up;
when the cold steely taste of death
was gnashing it's teeth at my throat...
as I cried out your name
for seemingly endless eternities?
Where was your rose-petal soft caress then?
Where was your angel-light,
ever-guiding,
gliding effortlessly
on whispy wings of starlight?

I died a thousand deaths each day,
and each night a million more...
while every guilt-ridden,
maddened thought tore
through my spirit with talons of ice...
cold...
just like you...

I fought my way
through the pitch-black-hole of depression,
through the seering anger of those
once loved,
scorching my very being.
I fought with hasty words of magick,
spoken on moonlit nights...
not quite a magick of white...
but of desperation
and starvation...
for the love that is my oxygen,
my sustanence...
for what you would not...
for US...

and I won.

******************

I'll post more in another blog, as this one is getting long.

The Om Of I Am

The Om of I Am
By: Nikki Williams

This poem was written to remind us of how we need to simply "be" without the chaos of crazy thoughts and worries that enter our minds. Our purpose in life will unfold in the silence.

It was partially inspired by a talk by Rev. Rob Robinson at Unity Village Chapel on "just being", partially by the lovely fresh flowers that Miss Diane (whose last name I never remember) creates every Sunday, and partly inspired by a crystal singing bowl played in a time of group meditation at a drumming circle by Mrs. Linda Chubbuck. I found my center that day, after having misplaced it for a long while.

****************


I am…
I am…

Tiny seed
Carried on gentle breeze blowing.
The velvety softness of earth’s loving arms,
Embrace me, enfold me, enrich me and mold me
Inhaling the stillness I’m safe from all harm.
Not thinking.
Not feeling.
Just knowing and being.
I grow…
Take root in earth’s nurture,
I grow…

I am…
I am…


With roots delving deeper to ground me and guide me
I plant firm my being in Gaia’s embrace.
Shooting past warmth and sweet silence of darkness,
To silvery brightness, the light on my face.
Not thinking.
Not feeling.
Just knowing and being.
I flow…
With eternal changes
I flow.

I am…
I am…


Refreshing life waters
Come swiftly in torrents
Of glistening crystalline raindrops release
I breathe in the cradling oneness of nature,
My own divine purpose unfolding before me…
Not thinking.
Not feeling.
Just knowing and being.
I glow.
With each diamond dewdrop
I glow.

I am…
I am…


Roots planted firmly in Mother’s connection,
Stretching and reaching for heaven above.
Blossoming glory in divine perfection.
In radiant abundance I express God’s love.

Take in my sweet beauty;
Just one tiny flower,
Yet here I am proudly fulfilling my dream.
ALL things from God cometh,
Even one little flower,
A shining example of God’s smiling gleam.
Not thinking.
Not feeling.
Just knowing and being.
I show,
To the Universe God’s face,
I show.

I am…

I am……..

A cool site I found.

I found an online social community, kinda like myspace and blogspot, based on the idea of people coming together to co-create peace through media. Seeing as this is one of my goals I thought I would check it out. It's pretty cool. You can upload your own mp3s and mp4s straight to your page, along with pics for slideshows and much more. There's blogging and discussions and lots of fun stuff. Yes, I set up a page, so if anyone who reads this would like they can check it out.

http://mypeace.tv/profile/NikkiWilliams

Check it out and enjoy! Along with some pics, a short blog, and some other me stuff, there's a playlist of some music I find very inspiring.

Nikki

Well, Jessica goes to Washington D.C. in less than two weeks. We went shopping this weekend for some new clothing for her politcal debut. lol The Jr. National Young Leaders Conference is a gathering of some of the most gifted middle-school age kids in the country. About 250 kids from around the United States spend 6 days touring landmarks, museums, listening to top notch speakers, and participating in a great number of leadership training activities. She'll be busy from abou 6 a.m. every morning until about 8 p.m. every night and, knowing Jess, she's going to love every minute of it. Still, while proud, I'm a nervous wreck. My daughter is going to be about 1500 miles away for a week, and then visiting her grandparents in New Jersey for the weekend following, so I won't see her for about 9 days. This is a first. It's a great opportunity for her and she has definitely earned it, but I'm Mom so I will sit and be worried and wait for her phone call every night to tell me what a great tiem she's having. I just won't feel content until she's back at home, safe and sound, after it's all over.

They grow up too fast...

Why is it?

Why is it that the busier I get, musically speaking, the more throat problems I have? I hadn't been sick hardly at all for 3 years until this past October. In mid-October I contracted a little cold virus, and the darned thing doesn't seem to want to go away. It's now March and my doctor FINALLY decides I need a CAT scan of my sinuses. Result, accute chronic sinusitis and more than likely the joy that is sinus surgery...again. I had surgery at the age of 18 after struggling with chronic sinus infections and bronchitis since the age of 13 or so. Took them 5 years that time to figure out what was wrong with me. I guess I should be thankful that it only took them 5 months this time. Still, I remember that surgery well and compared to all the other surgeries that I've had, the recovery was HORRID. The headaches never did quite go away and have fed a steady stream of migranes since then, which was almost half a lifetime ago. Still, at least it's something they can do for it, as opposed to just having to live with it.

I realize I'm griping a little. I don't usually do this, but I'm a little frustrated. I hadn't had much work musically until August of last year, and now I'm singing on a weekly basis and I'm HAPPY! So WHY NOW?!?!? Damnit...that's what annoys the hell out of me. See? I'm cussing. I'm so perturbed I'm cussing. I am ready to be healthy and if surgery is the way to that road, so be it. At least it's not another gall bladder removal. OH SO FUN!

Here's hoping anyone out there who reads this is haveing a good week. I'll keep you in my thoughts and my love and light enfold you, especially if you happen to be an ear/nose/throat specialist. :-)

Watchmen a HUGE disappointment.

*sigh* I have been looking forward to this movie since I first heard it was coming out...and today was my great day of anticipation...and I if it weren't for the fabulous gore I would have died of boredom.

Let me make myself clear. Being true to the source material doesn't mean keeping EVERY element of that material. If the Harry Potter movies had kept every twist and turn in the books, the SHORTEST ones would be 6 hours long each and noone could follow them on the big screen.

People have short attention spans when it comes to big screen entertainment and are not very good at following multiple plot lines and back-stories. This works fine in a book or graphic novel because you take the TIME to involve yourself in published literature. There's a commitment to reading a novel, graphic or otherwise, that captivates you for an extended period of time, not to mention you can pick it up and put it down whenever you feel like it. That helps. Read, think, analyze, read some more, think some more, and so on. It's a very involved process.

Movies are nothing like this. The action not only has to be fast paced, but so does the plots and it's elements. This movie, bless it's heart, is so true to the source material that every story has a story, and each story can be tied to other stories and different charectors, both current and previous, and the MAIN and MOST IMPORTANT story isn't properly dealt with until at least 2 hours into the nearly 3 hour long film! Yeah...boring. That's an understatement.

The acting was also pathetic. I've never seen so much deep content performed so half heartedly, with the exception of the charector of Reaurshak (I can't spell that....). He was fabulous, and truly violent to my heart's pounding joy. Yes...he and his violent gore kept me awake and at least remotely interested.

Blame the writers, the actors, but mostly the director. REDO! MAKE IT BETTER!

Nikki

My Emily and my Jessica.

These pics aren't very good. They were taken with my cell phone.

This is Emily (left).We were at Powell Gardens on this day, I believe the first Saturday of September 2008.

Emily is 11 and time does fly. She's had a lot of difficulties in this growing up process. Emily has something called "Asperger's Syndrome" which used to be referred to as "high functioning autism". It's still an Autism spectrum dissorder, but I think they figure if they change the name of it it sounds a little less intimidating. Still, the implications are the same. She is very intelligent, but has a lot of severe social impairments, as in her ability to empathize and read social cues. She has a very hard time making or keeping friends because of her social immaturity. She learns things in a completely different way than most people. She is great at route learning, but not good with conceptual thinking. Her processing speed is also slow, but her sense of humor is top notch. lol She's quite the little entertainer, and maybe that will be her calling. She's also GREAT at spelling. She took 2nd place in the district spelling bee last year. YAY EMY!

To the right is Jessica on her 13th bday last year. (Sep. 5). Fortunately, she doesn't have the problems Emily does. Actually, she's the complete opposite. She has a 3.75 gpa, she's on Student Council, in the gifted program, choir, band, does tons of volunteer work in the KC area, and is going to be attending the Jr. National Young Leaders Conference in Washington D.C this spring. Yeah, she's a go-getter. If she has one serious fault it's that she expects too much out of herself. Noone should ever think they have to be perfect, but a B on her report card sends her into panic attacks. Personally, I don't get that. I never found grades to be anything of great importance. Jess is really not anything like me. lol Thank God! At this time she wants to be a pediatrician. Emily...wants to be a triangle. lmao!

Need a break...

Even though I'm a little nervous about my trip this weekend, I can't wait to get out of here. I am tired of seeing the same places and people every day. I am tired of missing people who've gone away. I figure I need a little escape.

I would much rather be setting sale for another cruise to somewhere tropical to escape the winter blahs, which I seem to get every year, but New Jersey will have to suffice. I will miss my kiddos over the weekend, but i need a break from them too. All the sibling bickering and arguing and testy little spats get very old very quickly. Like most other adults, I just want peace and QUIET! That's something you don't get with an 11 year old and a 13 year old, both girls. Quiet is simply a thing of the past.

My sister moved to Florida back in January. That was crazy for me, but I think it's a good thing. I'm the type of person who clings to the people around me and I don't ever want them to leave. I suppose you could say I'm co-dependent, but that fact has never bothered me. I feel more secure with the people I care about close to me, and security is hard to come by these days.

Well, here's hoping this weekend's trip is a success and I return ready to conquer every day life. GO ME!

Playlist

Not sure if this embed thing will work, but won't know til I try.

So...if it works. These are just a bunch of songs I enjoy. Just...stuff.

A great Sunday!

We had "band singer Sunday" for the first time at Unity Village Chapel yesterday. Everything was a great success. Myself, Todd Gillette, and Jessica Best each sang a solo and we also had some great congregational singing, led by myself and Jessica. We have very high caliber musicians in our band. There's not a single person either singing or playing that doesn't have a great amount of professional experience and it makes for quite a great music service every week. I rewrote the words to the Isley Brothers "Shout" to fit a more spiritual perspective and I think I got the workout of my life with that one. lol

Mike taped a couple of the songs. We have a new HD Digital cam-corder. It's a fun toy, but bless his heart he's no cameraman. It's kinda sad. GET A TRIPOD! GEEZ! I really don't enjoy random shots of the ceiling. The stucco isn't that interesting. Still, it's better than no recording. I'll post some of the videos he's taken here at a later date, so the world of blog can marvel at my magnificent vocal abilities. lol

Going to NJ this weekend for Mike's grandmother's 80th bday. I'll spend 3 1/2 hours on a plane the size of a thimble. W00t! I think I'll sedate myself before the flight. Sleep is my friend.

Have a great week any and everyone.

Zzzzzzzzzzz....what a wierd letter.

Here I am, rambling away at an unGodly hour of the night. I don't do well with snoring and Mike is...well, snoring, as usual. So...I am awake, as usual, when I would rather be catching some Z's myself.

That's such an odd way to put it... "Catching some z's." How do you really catch z's? Does it require bait and a net, or maybe a fishing rod of some sort, only shaped like the letter Y, so the z's know to follow it? What would you do with the z's when you caught them? Do you clean them and toss them in a pan with some butter and olive oil? Do they taste good fried? What if you just want to keep them for pets? Are they too wild to tame? Z seems like kinda a wild letter, not as wild as X maybe, that one's just uncontrollable, but certainly not as tame as the very domestic 's' or 't'.

These are the ridiculous thoughts that wonder through my head at 3 am when I'm not catching those over ellusive little z's.