Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I found another one.

This one isn't very good at all, but it helped me do some venting during a really bad time in my life.

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Not In Here
by: Nikki

I'm not me right now, don't know who I am

could be that I'm feeling like life is a sham.

I can't find a light on the brightest of days,

at this time my mind is a blurry old daze.

I fumble and mumble and stutter through life,

and even the littlest things cut like a knife.

I'm hurting and lonely and can't seem to find

my way in the crazy world, I feel left behind.

I seemed to be doing so well for so long,

now everything keeps going horribly wrong.

I don't have a clue, can't remember a thing.

I haven't even found the happiness to sing.

For me music has been my soul's love,

but now I find no notes or words from above.

Grief is corrupting my life-weary soul

and I suddenly feel I am useless and old.

I just want to breathe and be me once more,

Keep seeing the exits where there aren't any doors.

So why do I feel like noone understands?

I feel like there's noone holding my hand.

My grip is slipping, I reach into the air

to grasp hold of someone, but noone is there.

Everyone has their own pain in this time,

so alone I will stand to face the challenge of mine.

Just remember when I'm goofy, or completely insane,

that it's not really me, just a face with a name.

Someday I'll return to being just me,

with my "rolodex" brain and my heart light and free,

but until that day comes just give me some time.

Be patient with me and please try to be kind.

My hope for tomorrow is all that I've got,

but I'm still one of God's kids and he loves me a lot.

2 comments:

  1. I like this poem - it is good. And I completely understand.

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  2. Thank you. I wrote that I think about 6 months after Roy died, which seems to be the meltdown time for me.

    This time in losing someone was so different than when I lost Dougie. I had to hold everyone and everything up around here...cause Mom certainly couldn't, and I don't think I had ever had to do that before. I really didn't get to grieve for a long time...not properly anyway.

    I kinda found myself in this place when I realized everyone else's life was finally moving forward, and I was stuck at the beginning of the process.

    Then, I get to a place where I am starting to move things back to the right place again, just a little over a year after Roy's death, and Mike's brother commits suicide. That was "back to the old drawing board" kinda feeling?

    I'm rambling. Don't think I need to vent all this at 5:20 in the morning. lol

    Thanks 'Ca. *hugs*

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