I'm always so glad only like 2 or 3 people know about this blog and how to get to it. It's good to have a place to just write out my feelings and not worry about who gets upset by it. The people who know about this blog never do anything to deserve ranting and you know who you are so rest easy. You are free from the wrath of Nikki. lol
I'm just tired... I'm really tired and kinda hurt right now. I've spent the better part of 6 weeks taking care of my mother, as has my sister, whether that be while she's at home or back in the hospital. I just found out from her Sunday that she thinks Beqi and I aren't responsible enough to make any medical decisions on her behalf, although we've been pretty much having to do that since Feb. 23 because she was completely unable to and no one else could sign. If it weren't for either of us and our quick thinking and at least mild knowledge of medical procedures and health issues, she would easily be dead now... We've both put our entire lives on hold since she got sick...and it's because we love her. Also Jessica, my oldest daughter, who is just 14 but 14 going on 40, has changed her whole lifestyle to be "night nurse" when Mom needs one. We've all done this not for love of accolades and gratitude for any other reason except that Mom is only 58 and we want her around for a good 20 more years. We've been her biggest cheer leaders and Beqi has even taken FMLA when Mom's own fiancee didn't see fit to call in to work when she nearly died... But somehow we're not responsible enough to take care of her in her mind... Oh, and not to mention all she can think about is whether or not the house is immaculate while she's in the hospital.
Mom: Who's taking care of the dogs?
Me: The girls are taking care of the dogs today.
Mom: Great! Well, I hope they clean up after themselves. They never clean up their own messes.
Me: They've been told to Mom but I can't very well make sure they are while I'm here.
Mom: Well I don't need all that mess in the house. Dirty dishes in the sink or smoething... I can't stand that.
Me: You're not there mother, so chill out.
Mom: Well, I really don't want them there right now.
Me: (thinking to myself) Well then no one will go and the dogs can just potty all over the house and tear up everything in the house and then you'll really have something to complain about, won't you? (Outloud) Well, I'll have Mike pick them up after work and make sure they are cleaning up after themselves.
I just...want a break for a while. Really, I just want to go away for a week or so and ... I dunno... disappear. Spring break is coming up. I wonder if I can ditch this pop sickle stand and visit my dad in Oklahoma.
I'm not going to the hospital tomorrow. I need a break...
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Ugly Ducks, Sewing Machines, And the Impending "B" Word
God it's been ages.
I'm a busy kinda gal. Even when I'm not, feels like I am.
My diabetes is doing fairly well. A1C is down to 6.5 and that's fabulous, especially considering it was 8.2 when I was diagnosed. My sugars have been just a little higher lately, because of a medication change, but they are still within the acceptable ranges of normal.
Emily is in the fall musical at the local high school. They're performing "Honk", which is the story of the ugly duckling. It was written by the same team who wrote Marry Poppins and Peter Pan. It's absolutely adorable. Jessica is working on the costume committee. She certainly loves to sew. She's becoming quite good at it also.
Jessica just turned 14 on September 5 and I'm finding it has me a little panic stricken. This means she's graduating in about 4 1/2 years....which seemed a lot further away a year ago. I don't want her to grow up and leave. *sigh* I don't want either one of them to. I'm going to have the worst empty nest syndrome of any mother in history, and she's the one most likely to leave and move far away because of her dreams. Don't get me wrong that's WONDERFUL, but still...I can't help but be a little selfish. It hurts. Emily, on the other hand, will be here forever. lol Well, not HERE, here, but she's like me. She wants to be close to me and her Nana and the family. We have strong roots in the KC area, particularly in Belton. Jessica, though, will move from place to place her whole life cause she loves that and she's just got that kind of personality.
Me... I got a bday coming up on Thursday. The big 36...ok, so it's not a landmark, but now I can officially say I'm pushing 40. lol Unlike most people I look forward to 40. According to my mother that's the age for her she suddenly didn't give a damn what anyone else thought any more. I want to get to that place. I am frequently, but not usually. I think it's that secret that makes being middle aged so cool. Just being yourself and finally saying "to hell" with everyone else. I try to do that as much as possible, but I will admit that it does sometimes bother me if others don't like me. Still hurts my feelings sometimes. I want to grow past that crap. See, I still don't feel like I'm a grown up. I have two half grown kids, a husband, a dog, a cat, a car payment, and all those financial responsibilities that go along with being a grown-up, but I don't feel like one. I'm still such a kid, with the exception that I'm not fond of cartoons, but I never really was. I was the one who wanted to watch "Meet the Press" when I was 4 and my dad wanted to watch "Woody Woodpecker". lol I keep waiting for the feeling of the responsible, reliable grown-up to take over, but it never does. I dunno, maybe that's a good thing, but it also means I never feel like I'm in control of the situation of life. Ok, so maybe that's the secret. All those grown-ups I thought had it so together when I was a kid didn't have any control over anything and weren't quite as "together" as I thought they were. lol
I am enjoying my music, although our camcorder is broken and being fixed right now. Hopefully will have new videos to post in a few weeks. I have recently been appointed as the editor and coordinator of the Unity Village Chapel e-newsletter. I am also the team leader of the "Core Values" committee at UVC, which is responsible for creating and defining the core values of the church. These values govern everything that UVC, as a community, does. If it's not in line with the values, we simply don't do it. So, it's an important responsibility, and one I take very seriously. I'm learning a lot about myself and how I need to align myself with what I consider my own core values. I am a work in progress, just like everyone else.
So, that's me, right now at least. :) I'm ever-changing and I love that.
Love to anyone who reads this.
Nikki
I'm a busy kinda gal. Even when I'm not, feels like I am.
My diabetes is doing fairly well. A1C is down to 6.5 and that's fabulous, especially considering it was 8.2 when I was diagnosed. My sugars have been just a little higher lately, because of a medication change, but they are still within the acceptable ranges of normal.
Emily is in the fall musical at the local high school. They're performing "Honk", which is the story of the ugly duckling. It was written by the same team who wrote Marry Poppins and Peter Pan. It's absolutely adorable. Jessica is working on the costume committee. She certainly loves to sew. She's becoming quite good at it also.
Jessica just turned 14 on September 5 and I'm finding it has me a little panic stricken. This means she's graduating in about 4 1/2 years....which seemed a lot further away a year ago. I don't want her to grow up and leave. *sigh* I don't want either one of them to. I'm going to have the worst empty nest syndrome of any mother in history, and she's the one most likely to leave and move far away because of her dreams. Don't get me wrong that's WONDERFUL, but still...I can't help but be a little selfish. It hurts. Emily, on the other hand, will be here forever. lol Well, not HERE, here, but she's like me. She wants to be close to me and her Nana and the family. We have strong roots in the KC area, particularly in Belton. Jessica, though, will move from place to place her whole life cause she loves that and she's just got that kind of personality.
Me... I got a bday coming up on Thursday. The big 36...ok, so it's not a landmark, but now I can officially say I'm pushing 40. lol Unlike most people I look forward to 40. According to my mother that's the age for her she suddenly didn't give a damn what anyone else thought any more. I want to get to that place. I am frequently, but not usually. I think it's that secret that makes being middle aged so cool. Just being yourself and finally saying "to hell" with everyone else. I try to do that as much as possible, but I will admit that it does sometimes bother me if others don't like me. Still hurts my feelings sometimes. I want to grow past that crap. See, I still don't feel like I'm a grown up. I have two half grown kids, a husband, a dog, a cat, a car payment, and all those financial responsibilities that go along with being a grown-up, but I don't feel like one. I'm still such a kid, with the exception that I'm not fond of cartoons, but I never really was. I was the one who wanted to watch "Meet the Press" when I was 4 and my dad wanted to watch "Woody Woodpecker". lol I keep waiting for the feeling of the responsible, reliable grown-up to take over, but it never does. I dunno, maybe that's a good thing, but it also means I never feel like I'm in control of the situation of life. Ok, so maybe that's the secret. All those grown-ups I thought had it so together when I was a kid didn't have any control over anything and weren't quite as "together" as I thought they were. lol
I am enjoying my music, although our camcorder is broken and being fixed right now. Hopefully will have new videos to post in a few weeks. I have recently been appointed as the editor and coordinator of the Unity Village Chapel e-newsletter. I am also the team leader of the "Core Values" committee at UVC, which is responsible for creating and defining the core values of the church. These values govern everything that UVC, as a community, does. If it's not in line with the values, we simply don't do it. So, it's an important responsibility, and one I take very seriously. I'm learning a lot about myself and how I need to align myself with what I consider my own core values. I am a work in progress, just like everyone else.
So, that's me, right now at least. :) I'm ever-changing and I love that.
Love to anyone who reads this.
Nikki
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Stupid-Ass YouTube.
I'm probably going to use a lot of profanity in this post, so fair warning. Most people who know me already know I cuss like a sailor and I learned from the best; Roy. lol
The dipshits over at YouTube decided that somehow videos taken by my husband of me singing at my church for NO PROFIT AT ALL was pirating in some way and they DELETED MIKE'S ACCOUNT! Assholes. *kicks youtube in the nuts* I do not have an external hard drive nor the memory space to keep backups of all my videos, so all those lovely videos of me singing at Unity are G O N E. I suppose I should let this be a lesson to me to ALWAYS back up my files and BUY a fucking external hard drive, but above all it's a lesson to NOT TRUST THE BRAINLESS BASTARDS AT YOUTUBE!
So....now I'm uploading some music that I hadn't uploaded yet to my AradiaRising youtube account, which I have on the video bar to the right. I am honestly not sure what I did wrong the last time, but here's hoping I don't do it again. ARGH!
The dipshits over at YouTube decided that somehow videos taken by my husband of me singing at my church for NO PROFIT AT ALL was pirating in some way and they DELETED MIKE'S ACCOUNT! Assholes. *kicks youtube in the nuts* I do not have an external hard drive nor the memory space to keep backups of all my videos, so all those lovely videos of me singing at Unity are G O N E. I suppose I should let this be a lesson to me to ALWAYS back up my files and BUY a fucking external hard drive, but above all it's a lesson to NOT TRUST THE BRAINLESS BASTARDS AT YOUTUBE!
So....now I'm uploading some music that I hadn't uploaded yet to my AradiaRising youtube account, which I have on the video bar to the right. I am honestly not sure what I did wrong the last time, but here's hoping I don't do it again. ARGH!
Monday, June 29, 2009
A new poem...
This has been sitting in the notes of my ipod for a few days, while with each day and emotion I added a little here, a little there, sometimes changed a little here and there, depending on what I was feeling at the moment... It's hard to explain, and I don't think I'll ever be able to, as is shown in the end of the poem... Life is confusing at times and throws us into situations where we are confronted with what we want more than anything, but what we'll never, ever have...
*******************************************
JUST THIS ONCE?
by: Nikki
Love that you and I will never know...
I can only dream you,
stealthy shadow shift you
into my astral heaven,
blossoming you real to me,
though never to those prying eyes
that can not see,
only for me.
Romance me into the silky nirvana
of heartbeat stillness.
My surreal oneness embraced
in purest snow white abandon.
I shun a shattered real
so to be enveloped by velvet
billow astral thought forms
of a NEW truth..
in you.
My stolen soul Romeo.
My lost lust of silver luster.
My inebriated compatriot
of loves even and ever drunken silence.
Would you brace your deep, rose-petal lock of somber passion
against my sovereign, solely solidified,
unified embrace?
Would you dare to delve into the depths of
Divine ONE...
together?
Would you brush your smoldering torch light touch
to mine?
Steal me away,
oh lost and wandering spirit,
to hidden groves of sunbeam's dancing children
and raging love-lorn waters edge...
to hold MY power,
hands and souls entwined,
and mix it with your own,
radiating in and through me,
you,
me...
and back again,
in stilled siren sorrow song
of love
above which no mortal bond could ever hope to rise.
No words equal OUR equal.
No sonnet penned or lyric sung can ever touch this place...
No words...no words...
Oh fuck it! Kiss me...
Just this once?
*******************************************
JUST THIS ONCE?
by: Nikki
Love that you and I will never know...
I can only dream you,
stealthy shadow shift you
into my astral heaven,
blossoming you real to me,
though never to those prying eyes
that can not see,
only for me.
Romance me into the silky nirvana
of heartbeat stillness.
My surreal oneness embraced
in purest snow white abandon.
I shun a shattered real
so to be enveloped by velvet
billow astral thought forms
of a NEW truth..
in you.
My stolen soul Romeo.
My lost lust of silver luster.
My inebriated compatriot
of loves even and ever drunken silence.
Would you brace your deep, rose-petal lock of somber passion
against my sovereign, solely solidified,
unified embrace?
Would you dare to delve into the depths of
Divine ONE...
together?
Would you brush your smoldering torch light touch
to mine?
Steal me away,
oh lost and wandering spirit,
to hidden groves of sunbeam's dancing children
and raging love-lorn waters edge...
to hold MY power,
hands and souls entwined,
and mix it with your own,
radiating in and through me,
you,
me...
and back again,
in stilled siren sorrow song
of love
above which no mortal bond could ever hope to rise.
No words equal OUR equal.
No sonnet penned or lyric sung can ever touch this place...
No words...no words...
Oh fuck it! Kiss me...
Just this once?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Heading Out...
I am leaving town Thursday. We are all headed to New Jersey for 10 days. My mother and father-in-law are celebrating their 25th Anniversar and renewing their vows, with a big party to follow. I think it will be a great deal of fun, but I HATE being away from home for longer than a week at most, unless that time is spent on a cruise ship. lol I get HORRIBLY home sick. Why this is, I don't know. I also don't do well when I'm stuck in a living situation with anyone for an extended period of time. I do well for a few days, then my nerves start wearing thin as I DESPERATELY need my privacy. Ask my husband and kids; when I don't get enough alone time I am the bitch from HELL. I have a hard time reading people socially as it is, and I tend to see tension that either isn't there or nobody else has ever noticed, and then I'm snippy and hard to get along with. Emily doesn't help. When I have her away from home I'm on edge because she's on edge. Even the slightest change in her routine can set her off and then I'm up to my ears in freaked out Asperger's kid. It's enough to drive anyone to consider entering the witness protection program, because not only is she almost impossible to comfort and control, she humiliates the heck out of me. I absolutely adore her, but I so can't handle being around her a good majority of the time. Makes me feel bad because Jessica and I get along great, but with Emily it's just one battle after another and there's little about her personality I can find likable, so it can make being a loving, fun mom really, REALLY hard. It's only a matter of time before my nerves show. *sigh* I just wanna get this over with and get back home, away from society.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
*sigh*
I feel lost today. I'm in a slump, and I know it. I really can't give a good reason for the lack of vitality and energy that I'm feeling right now. I feel.... blah. I do such a good job hiding that. I'm one hell of an actress, and I know it. I can leave people in stitches or in awe of one hell of a performance, but I can't seem to convince myself. Thing is...I'm tired of acting. I'm absolutely going insane wanting to be me right now, but my pride won't let me show any of it to anyone. My husband, bless him, has no clue, and I can't figure out how he can't know, unless he really doesn't know me, which I suppose is possible. I'm more myself at home than anywhere, but that just means I'm hiding from everyone a LOT. I spend a HUGE amount of time in my room, except when he comes to bed, at which time I leave as I can't deal with the snoring. Not like anything interesting is gonna happen there anyway. I gave up on that a while ago. Marriage kills a sex life faster than anything. lol So, I escape in my books and my writing and my music and the internet and movies and whatever I can to make some sort of fantasy life for myself. I want to not be me, but yet it's still me. There's a lot in there that needs to be expressed but there's just no outlet, so my grip on reality becomes more precarious every moment, as I spend more and more time in a self-induced daydream.
Again...pathetic, I know. Sorry world. At least I can say things here that I can't anywhere else. Only 2 or 3 people even know I have a blog here and I am gonna try and keep it that way. I need someplace to vent.
Again...pathetic, I know. Sorry world. At least I can say things here that I can't anywhere else. Only 2 or 3 people even know I have a blog here and I am gonna try and keep it that way. I need someplace to vent.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
IPod happiness!
*sings*
I LOVE MY IPOD! I LOVE MY IIIIPOD! I LOOOOOOVE MY IPOD TOUCH! LALALALALALA!
Ok, that's the closest to crappy singing I'm willing to allow myself. hehe
So, as the world knows, because I keep telling them, I got an iPod Touch from my mom for Easter this year. I ADORE THIS PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY! So far I have almost 2,000 songs downloaded, a few podcasts (having to do with Harry Potter and Twilight), a couple of videos, and I have taken to using it for checking my e-mail, even when I'm in the same room as the PC. lol I love the Safari web browser.
My iPod love has led me to delve into the idea of other apple products and I've almost 100% decided to get a MAC at the beginning of next year instead of a new PC. Everyone I talk to who has made the switch fervently upholds the saying, "Once you go MAC you'll never go back". I'm game, that's for sure. It's hard as hell to get a virus on a mac and a mac with lower specs performs TONS faster and more efficiently than a PC with much higher specs. Why didn't I think of this sooner?
So...be prepared for the whirlwind that is Nikki, world of Apple. I am headed your way VERY, VERY soon!
Nikki
I LOVE MY IPOD! I LOVE MY IIIIPOD! I LOOOOOOVE MY IPOD TOUCH! LALALALALALA!
Ok, that's the closest to crappy singing I'm willing to allow myself. hehe
So, as the world knows, because I keep telling them, I got an iPod Touch from my mom for Easter this year. I ADORE THIS PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY! So far I have almost 2,000 songs downloaded, a few podcasts (having to do with Harry Potter and Twilight), a couple of videos, and I have taken to using it for checking my e-mail, even when I'm in the same room as the PC. lol I love the Safari web browser.
My iPod love has led me to delve into the idea of other apple products and I've almost 100% decided to get a MAC at the beginning of next year instead of a new PC. Everyone I talk to who has made the switch fervently upholds the saying, "Once you go MAC you'll never go back". I'm game, that's for sure. It's hard as hell to get a virus on a mac and a mac with lower specs performs TONS faster and more efficiently than a PC with much higher specs. Why didn't I think of this sooner?
So...be prepared for the whirlwind that is Nikki, world of Apple. I am headed your way VERY, VERY soon!
Nikki
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